[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.