Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The French word for sex is croissant.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.