COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.