I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
The big book of baby names but for safe words
buys donuts instead
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show