Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
my mom making me talk to relatives
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Effort made
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective