“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
You Might Also Like
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
we all know this pain all too well
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her