You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.