“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.