No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My wedding will be open casket.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.