“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.