Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.