An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet