TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car