Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.