My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
me linking you to my twitter
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Every photo I’m tagged in
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly