No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
translated into Canadian
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter