Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
May have had one breakfast too many
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I need better friends
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.