Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*