Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?