If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this