Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”