Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
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Doggies just call it style.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Ron is short for Aaronald
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.