Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
You Might Also Like
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Fidel Castro was alive?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
They grow up so quick
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!