*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.