Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
wtf management?!
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.