When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.