True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Seas the day!!!!
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids