Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
the three branches of government
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.