DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?