My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
This hospital has everything
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
superman landing like a plane on his belly