Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
584.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
This trial is so absurd 😭
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!