When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Running from your problems is cardio .
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.