Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.