I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.