Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Knock Knock
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”