[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
fair
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
tourist season
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.