For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You Might Also Like
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl