How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
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.
.
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The top ans was
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Meme Monday.