Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?