First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-