Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.