Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Cake!!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.