Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
You Might Also Like
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now