When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.