I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot