When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.