Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Sounds like a bargain
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.