[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
gentlemen, hear me out
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget