Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably