employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
You Might Also Like
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
i- i did not expect this
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.